I spent years worrying about losing control of myself.
I divided myself into two: one was the the logical, rational, authoritarian part (the acceptable part) and the other was the unacceptable, animalistic, impulsive part of myself that “needed to be controlled;” The other a part—the controller—was a tyrant that kept me numb and disconnected me from the rich experience of life.
One day I realized that in order to be in control of myself, I would actually have to have a verifiable “self” to control—an objective me. So I went about trying to figure out what exactly this self is that I was so busy trying to control.
But every time I tried to put my finger on it, it evaded me.