How to be Confident at Anything (Really)

I had a huge crush on an older, popular guy in Middle School.

I’m talking legit stalker status. I used to make my mom drive me by his house every day after school. It was not on the way home.

I lamented to my friends that I just didn’t have enough confidence to tell him.

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Kris van Genderen
A Letter to the 17-year-old, Anorexic Me.

Use your words.

Use your words and not your body to communicate your needs.

Use your words and not your body to ask for help.

Use your words and not your body to set boundaries, to rage about what infuriates you.

Stop silently miming your needs and wants to the world.

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Kris van Genderen
Making a Case for Female Pleasure

“I don’t even really know what brings me pleasure anymore.”

“Focusing on my own pleasure is hedonistic and nasty.”

“I’m too sexual.”

“I don’t have time for pleasurable things.”

“Prioritizing my pleasure is selfish when there are so many people suffering in the world.”

“If my life is pleasurable, then that means I’m not working hard enough.”

“If I allow my life to feel really good, then I’m going to be fat, poor, and unwanted.”

“I only deserve pleasure once I’ve proven myself.”

Over the years, these fear-based thoughts have arisen in my own mind—and have been echoed in dozens of conversations with the women I coach or who have attended our women’s retreats.

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Kris van Genderen
What Most People Get Wrong About Love

I spent years worrying about losing control of myself.

I divided myself into two: one was the the logical, rational, authoritarian part (the acceptable part) and the other was the unacceptable, animalistic, impulsive part of myself that “needed to be controlled;” The other a part—the controller—was a tyrant that kept me numb and disconnected me from the rich experience of life.

One day I realized that in order to be in control of myself, I would actually have to have a verifiable “self” to control—an objective me. So I went about trying to figure out what exactly this self is that I was so busy trying to control.

But every time I tried to put my finger on it, it evaded me.

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Kris van Genderen
Stop Trying to "Never Be Like Them"

I spent years worrying about losing control of myself.

I divided myself into two: one was the the logical, rational, authoritarian part (the acceptable part) and the other was the unacceptable, animalistic, impulsive part of myself that “needed to be controlled;” The other a part—the controller—was a tyrant that kept me numb and disconnected me from the rich experience of life.

One day I realized that in order to be in control of myself, I would actually have to have a verifiable “self” to control—an objective me. So I went about trying to figure out what exactly this self is that I was so busy trying to control.

But every time I tried to put my finger on it, it evaded me.

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Kris van Genderen
What are Energy Vampires & How to Stop Attracting Them

I spent years worrying about losing control of myself.

I divided myself into two: one was the the logical, rational, authoritarian part (the acceptable part) and the other was the unacceptable, animalistic, impulsive part of myself that “needed to be controlled;” The other a part—the controller—was a tyrant that kept me numb and disconnected me from the rich experience of life.

One day I realized that in order to be in control of myself, I would actually have to have a verifiable “self” to control—an objective me. So I went about trying to figure out what exactly this self is that I was so busy trying to control.

But every time I tried to put my finger on it, it evaded me.

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Kris van Genderen
These are the Traits of Incredibly Attractive People

I spent years worrying about losing control of myself.

I divided myself into two: one was the the logical, rational, authoritarian part (the acceptable part) and the other was the unacceptable, animalistic, impulsive part of myself that “needed to be controlled;” The other a part—the controller—was a tyrant that kept me numb and disconnected me from the rich experience of life.

One day I realized that in order to be in control of myself, I would actually have to have a verifiable “self” to control—an objective me. So I went about trying to figure out what exactly this self is that I was so busy trying to control.

But every time I tried to put my finger on it, it evaded me.

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Kris van Genderen
An Ode to Highly Sensitive People

I spent years worrying about losing control of myself.

I divided myself into two: one was the the logical, rational, authoritarian part (the acceptable part) and the other was the unacceptable, animalistic, impulsive part of myself that “needed to be controlled;” The other a part—the controller—was a tyrant that kept me numb and disconnected me from the rich experience of life.

One day I realized that in order to be in control of myself, I would actually have to have a verifiable “self” to control—an objective me. So I went about trying to figure out what exactly this self is that I was so busy trying to control.

But every time I tried to put my finger on it, it evaded me.

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Kris van Genderen
How to Stop Over-Giving

I spent years worrying about losing control of myself.

I divided myself into two: one was the the logical, rational, authoritarian part (the acceptable part) and the other was the unacceptable, animalistic, impulsive part of myself that “needed to be controlled;” The other a part—the controller—was a tyrant that kept me numb and disconnected me from the rich experience of life.

One day I realized that in order to be in control of myself, I would actually have to have a verifiable “self” to control—an objective me. So I went about trying to figure out what exactly this self is that I was so busy trying to control.

But every time I tried to put my finger on it, it evaded me.

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Kris van Genderen
Five Reasons You Don't Exist

I spent years worrying about losing control of myself.

I divided myself into two: one was the the logical, rational, authoritarian part (the acceptable part) and the other was the unacceptable, animalistic, impulsive part of myself that “needed to be controlled;” The other a part—the controller—was a tyrant that kept me numb and disconnected me from the rich experience of life.

One day I realized that in order to be in control of myself, I would actually have to have a verifiable “self” to control—an objective me. So I went about trying to figure out what exactly this self is that I was so busy trying to control.

But every time I tried to put my finger on it, it evaded me.

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Kris van Genderen
The Problem With Explaining Away Our Emotions

So, like…if we just don’t take risks, don’t fail, don’t get embarrassed, don’t get shut down, or disappointed, or rejected, then we’ll always feel good, right? 

If we just stay safe and never expose ourselves to the intense vulnerability of following our dreams, we’ll always be happy, right?

Wrong.

One major barrier to following our hearts is the illusion that our circumstances produce our emotional states.

It is the belief that emotional freedom comes from controlling our circumstances.

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Kris van Genderen
Our Ego Loves Creating Struggle — But We Don't Have To Let It

Have you ever said something like this?

“My fear of gaining weight keeps me motivated to exercise,” “the guilt I feel about not having accomplished enough keeps me going,” or “my jealousy makes me work harder.”

As a life coach, I hear these beliefs all the time from clients when we first start working together. What they’re really saying is:

It is necessary for me to be upset with my current conditions in order for me to be motivated to create what I want.

I call it “struggle defensiveness”—the act of insisting that life has to be hard, because you don’t want to admit your ego’s part in creating struggle to overcome.

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Kris van Genderen
Why We Should Stop Trying To Be Present

We can never be more in the moment, because we are always only ever in the moment. There is no where else to be. We have never been anywhere else besides the moment. 

The moment is absolute. We can’t be more inside of something that we are already inside of wholly and completely.

Our consciousness and the moment is all there ever is. So why are we trying to get out of our heads and into the moment? 

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Kris van Genderen
The Art of Being Conceited

We have wrongly correlated having positive opinions about ourselves with being and acting entitled, holier than thou, arrogant, and un-self-aware.

But there is no necessary correlation between thinking positively of oneself and negatively of others.

It is not destructive to love oneself.

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Kris van Genderen
A Call for Female Pleasure

Through coaching hundreds of women, I have made the unfortunate discovery that women collectively have come to believe that prioritizing our own pleasure is not only unnecessary, but also counterproductive and moralistically wrong.

I am here to flip that notion on it’s head and implore you to re-claim the right to your own pleasure.

I am here to ask you to consider that most days of your life can (dare I say should) be guiltlessly pleasure-filled, and that the more pleasure you allow in your body and your life, the more power, influence, well-being, connectedness, peace and inspiration you will have.

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Kris van Genderen
Healing the Mother Wound

The mother wound is the pain, passed down through generations, of being a woman in a patriarchal culture. It includes dysfunctional coping mechanisms that are used to process that pain. It shows its face in many forms, like eating disorders, alcoholism, body shame and anger management issues. The mother wound also includes the pain of insecurity, comparison and not feeling good enough.

To me, the mother wound is the mother of all wounds. 

The mother wound does not only exist in women whose mothers mistreated them.

The mother wound exists within us all because all of our mothers have been wounded.

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Kris van Genderen